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June 2021

Men Getting Divorced: Should I move out of the family home?

By Blog, Coparenting, Divorce

Men Getting Divorced: Should I move out of the family home?  

At face value, moving out of the family home after you’ve made the decision to divorce may seem like a no brainer. Maybe you and your spouse are arguing all the time or you feel very awkward around your spouse. Perhaps you have a new romantic partner. It might seem easier to say, “I’ll move out and you can live here with the kids until the divorce is final.”

However well-intentioned your thought process may be as you contemplate getting your own place, you need to know that leaving your home can backfire on you — big time — potentially adding YEARS to your divorce, straining your relationship with your children, and leaving you finances in shambles.

Here’s why… 

1. You give away control of the house — and your kids. By moving out, you are essentially giving your spouse unrestricted access to the house. Your spouse might decide to change the locks without your knowledge; and they can do that because you left. 

Your spouse will also control access to your children, so potentially moving out will affect your ability to see them, especially when you only strike a casual non-verbal agreement. 

2. You end up paying for two households. When you move out, financially you have also accepted paying for two households because it was your decision to move out and create this extra living expense of your new home while still being obligated to pay (at least partly) for the old one.  

3. Your divorce could end up taking longer. You thought this arrangement was only going to last a few months, maybe a year until the divorce was final, right? Well, in these Covid times, everything is potentially delayed in the court system, including divorce. If you need court hearings in your divorce, you may be waiting over a year for a single hearing — and paying for this arrangement the entire time. 

Also, let’s think about you leaving the house from your spouse’s perspective. Your spouse is sitting pretty in the house with the kids and their living expenses being paid. What motivation does your spouse have to settle? In fact, they might start fighting over every last small thing they can to keep the two of you locked in battle — because they already feel like they’ve won!

On the other hand, you’ve got the stress of not seeing your children and you’ve got the financial aspect of supporting two households and with no motivation to settle on your spouse’s part, there will seem like no end in sight for your divorce. It can drag on and on and on. 

Should you stay or should you go? 

The secret is — you don’t have to leave the home, and there are compelling reasons why you should stay. There is one exception: moving is IMPERATIVE if there is any history of domestic violence the relationship, including restraining orders. 

It’s also important to know that whatever living situation you decide is best for you as you divorce — whether that is staying put or moving out — you need to get the terms of your arrangement in writing so a sudden flare up with your spouse doesn’t lead to the locks being changed or the kids being kept from you. 

With the help of your attorneys as needed, you should draw up written terms that specifically outline: 

  • Who has access to the home and when. If you will stay under one roof, you can decide items such as who has access to the kitchen and at what times, for example. If you are living apart, and you moved out, you can reach terms such as what days/times you will have access to the house and whether you need to give notification before you stop by. And yes, you can include a term about not changing the locks.
  • Parenting time with the kids. If you move out, you need to establish your access to your children in writing. Will the kids spend time with you at your new place, or will you return to the family home for parenting time, while your ex goes and stays someplace else, or at least stays out of the way. Be specific about days and times will you will have your children.  
  • Household bills and household repairs. How will you share these? Get it in writing. 

If you do think it’s at all possible to stay under one roof, considering doing it. You may end up having a faster, smoother divorce and more time with your kids as a result.

Want to learn more secrets and get a taste of our expert-led Men’s Divorce Bootcamp? Watch our FREE webinar  on How to Avoid Costly Mistakes in Divorce. Our short and to-the-point webinars give you tactical tips you can immediately put into practice to save you time, money and stress. Start watching now. 






20 Things Men Need to Watch Out For In Divorce

By Blog, Coparenting, Fathers Rights

There’s nothing quite as devastating as having an ex-wife that tries to turn your kids against you. People who do this are called Alienating Parents. Listening to your children repeat distortions and lies can make you feel sad, angry, and helpless. Although you can’t control what your ex says, you can help your kids learn to think for themselves and keep yourself sane in the process. Here are some important steps to follow:

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The divorce paperwork filing mistake that can cost you thousands!

By Blog
high conflict ex wife

The divorce filing mistake that can cost you thousands!

Your spouse cheated on you and now you’re filing for divorce. It’s true that infidelity is one of the top triggers for spouses to split. But when you go to file divorce paperwork, should adultery be the legal reason (grounds for divorce) you state on your forms? Turns out the answer to this question isn’t so simple, and getting your “grounds” wrong could put you on track for a costly divorce disaster.  

Are you about to make a major divorce misstep? Here’s how to using your filing grounds strategically to save money and headaches in your divorce.

Adultery or Irreconcilable Differences? How Filing Grounds Influence Your Divorce 

When you file for divorce, there’s a mountain of paperwork waiting for you, and buried somewhere in all the forms is a simple checklist asking you to check the legal grounds (reason) for your divorce. This list will vary by state, but most states offer several grounds to choose from, split between two basic distinctions: fault grounds for the divorce and no fault grounds. 

Fault grounds 

Fault grounds indicate that one spouse is “at fault” for the divorce through harmful actions and/or behaviors they displayed during the marriage. You will see adultery at the top of the list of fault grounds, followed by other choices such as extreme cruelty and drug addiction. 

No fault grounds 

On the other hand, “no fault” grounds omit laying blame for the divorce; neither spouse is viewed as being at fault. The most common no fault ground is irreconcilable differences, which simply means the marriage has irretrievably broken down. This ground can be applied to essentially any divorce.  

Think twice before choosing adultery as your grounds for divorce

The knee jerk reaction of someone who has been wronged by their spouse may be to choose the matching fault grounds as a “no brainer” decision. If the spouse cheated, then it follows that adultery is the legal reason for the divorce. 

However, here’s how this one decision can go very wrong in your divorce: 

  1. Filing for divorce on a fault ground sets you up for a more time-consuming and costly divorce, without any guarantee of a payoff. 

Whenever fault grounds are cited, you can expect to put much more leg work into your divorce (and pay more too) because you must provide required proof to the courts to substantiate your fault claim. You may need to hire professionals such as a Private Investigator and a Forensic Accountant to track down personal and financial information. Hiring outside experts takes time and doesn’t come cheap! Plus, there is also no guarantee these paid experts will find anything of substance. 

2. The law is not designed to punish cheating spouses 

Adultery is morally wrong, but in the eyes of the law there is not much repercussion in most states when a spouse cheats. You won’t automatically get a larger settlement just because your spouse was unfaithful and it won’t affect child custody unless the spouse’s cheating somehow resulted in abuse/neglect/harm of the kids, which is not common. Check your state laws carefully for what consequences, if any, exist for cheaters. 

3. Filing on a fault ground drives conflict. 

Even if you know you’re in the right, accusing a spouse of wrongdoing in a divorce often triggers immediate conflict as the spouse becomes defensive or seeks to “strike back.” A divorce that could have progressed smoothly and quickly towards settlement may suddenly become bogged down and highly contentious as the wronged spouse digs in and declares war. Whenever conflict escalates, so does the time and money (and stress) it takes to finalize divorce terms. 

What happens if you file for divorce on “no fault” grounds when a spouse cheated? 

Let’s go back to the checklist that appears in the divorce paperwork. If you check a no fault ground like “irreconcilable differences” and your spouse cheated, here’s what can happen: 

  • You skip the time and costs of hiring private investigators and other outside experts to prove the cheating happened. 
  • You have a better chance of having a low conflict (aka quick and easy) divorce because there is no instant trigger for defensiveness that comes from “pointing the finger” of blame.  
  • You can still recoup any financial losses! This is a big one. Many spouses who are cheated worry that money their spouse spent on their paramour will go unaddressed because they filed on a no fault ground. 

In situations in which a cheating spouse “willfully dissipated” (spent) marital assets on their paramour, here’s an inside secret: you don’t need to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery to recoup marital dissipation. This is a financial matter that you are able to address regardless of your grounds. Your attorney can do this through requesting certain financial documents during the discovery phase of divorce. Money spent from marital accounts in a wasteful way will be addressed by the courts. This applies to money spent during an affair or on gambling, drugs, and other illegal activities. 

The bottom line: before you tick that checkbox, really do some soul searching. What kind of divorce do you want? In some extreme situations, filing for divorce on a fault ground may be appropriate. For most divorces a “no fault” ground covers everything and comes with the bonus of greasing the wheels for a speedier, lower cost divorce. 

Choose wisely and you can avoid the potential for making a very serious mistake. 

Want to learn more secrets and get a taste of our expert-led Men’s Divorce Bootcamp? Watch our FREE webinar  on How to Avoid Costly Mistakes in Divorce. Our short and to-the-point webinars give you tactical tips you can immediately put into practice to save you time, money and stress. Start watching now.